I find that the as I follow Christ and where he leads, I feel like I’m crazy. I am becoming an abnormality in our American culture. I’m normally okay with that.
Right now, I am fighting the inner turmoil of financial crisis. God has always provided exactly what we need, when we need it. We have survived 2 years since my husband lost the job he loved due to elimination of the position. He made great money there. The insurance went above and beyond, it was truly great.
We have 8 kids still at home. God has blessed us with the ability to stay afloat. We have always had food, shelter, utilities and a vehicle to drive. We lost the vehicles we were making payments on due to the inability to pay the loans. The day we lost our 2nd vehicle, a family blessed us with a 12 passenger van. We have been able to sustain the roof over our heads and the utilities by the grace of God. Truly he has blessed us with provision, often at the very last second, for the past couple of years.
Right now everything is happening at once, it feels. Utilities are in disconnect notice (gas was shut off yesterday, actually.) The mortgage company is at the point they’re screaming nasty things at us and telling us they’re going to take our home (when I google the company, it looks like it is more truth than scare tactic.) I start a job the next schedule cycle. My husband FINALLY gets to have an MRI on his shoulder injury, after months of therapy that doesn’t help and only increases the pain.
Positives and negatives twirl and weave through my day in an expertly choreographed dance with thunderous music. The tempo is increasing and the intensity of the crescendo is building. I feel like a captive observer as I wait for the peak of the performance and I yearn for a resolution to the building drama and tension.
I have complete trust that God has it all figured out, he can make beauty for the ashes of this insane life we live, and that he is already in the process of reinventing and reforming us; inside and out. I can only see this tiny portion of the big picture; I can’t make sense of much of it. I feel somewhat humiliated, often, as I share our story. It doesn’t sound like much. We sound insane. My best friend likes to remind me of all of the heroes of the Bible who also sounded insane as they followed the next step God set before them.
I serve a great God. He has a plan. I cannot fathom his plan, but that’s ok because I’m not the one controlling it. I have been immersing myself in songs that reflect my heart during this time. This one has been my favorite: