I’ve spent a great deal of life “waiting on God” as I submit my will and my desires to Him, asking Him to lead me, to guide me, to show me the next step He would have me to take in this life of devoted obedience. Recently while flipping through the pages of my “journals,” I discovered a common thread connecting one year to the next. Each and every journal, diary or notebook I thumbed through was characterized by words like “show me”, “guide me” “help me”, “tell me”; beautiful, trusting words asking my Father to guide me in His ways, asking Him to show me, lest I fall and shame Him.
It was a moment of realization for me. I realized that I have spent much of my life so afraid that I might fail my Father in Heaven that I have wasted those years not actually LIVING. I’ve been so distraught over my next steps being perfect enough to honor Him, that I’ve been frozen, not able to put one foot in front of the other lest it be the wrong direction.
I’ve spent so many years filling my heart and mind with His Words, waiting anxiously to be able to finally “know His will for my life” hoping to get some anointed download from Heaven above that I haven’t been secure enough in what I’ve learned to practice walking it out.
“Don’t let go, Abba- I’m too afraid to take a step if you’re not holding tightly.” So He held my hand, as a Father holds that of a toddling infant. Just like an earthly father, He knows that I must learn to do it myself- he cannot hold my hand and support each and every step I will ever take. Gradually He would discreetly slip just-one-more finger out of my grip instead of enclosing my tiny faith in His entire hand; he allowed me to hold His hand, despite the exposure to the elements. He allowed me room to flex and fumble. I got tripped up, just like an infant might, and I took a tumble or two.
When I had finally made my first exuberant steps, I leapt confidently into a full-fledged run. Yet too immature to run, I wiped out hurting not just myself, but others. Papa God scooped up my inconsolable, distraught, wounded soul and He carried me when I hurt too much to walk on my own. Papa offered comfort, and He healed my wounds while He carried me. Then my Papa set me down to walk on my own again, because that’s what happens next; you stand back up and you keep moving forward. But I had tried to run, fell down hard, and became afraid to even walk without his strong comforting hand leading me forward.
Just as a toddler must continue to grow and mature, my faith continued to grow and mature despite my fear. Gradually my heart, mind, soul and strength had grown and matured in the knowledge of Him, yet my faith continued to hide in the shadow of the fears. “Hold my hand, Abba- please, don’t let me fall! Please don’t let go!! Why won’t you show me what to do now, why do I feel like you aren’t there, like you don’t hear me? Like you aren’t listening??”
He has always been there. He has always been listening. He has always been close by. He has always been cheering me on.
He had already taught me how to walk and He was watching with excitement, unwilling to take His eyes off me because He just KNEW my next, faith-filled steps were coming at any moment. HE knew I could do it. HE knew I had the capacity and the stability and the strength because he HAD faithfully led me, teaching me how to walk on my own.
He hasn’t felt the need to hold my hand through the next steps because He has raised me from infancy to know His will, to hear His voice and to walk in His ways.
14 So that we are no longer children [spiritually immature], tossed back and forth [like ships on a stormy sea] and carried about by every wind of [shifting] doctrine, by the cunning and trickery of [unscrupulous] men, by the deceitful scheming of people ready to do anything [for personal profit].
15 But speaking the truth in love [in all things–both our speech and our lives expressing His truth], let us grow up in all things into Him [following His example] who is the Head–Christ.
16 From Him the whole body [the church, in all its various parts], joined and knitted firmly together by what every joint supplies, when each part is working properly, causes the body to grow and mature, building itself up in [unselfish] love.
Ephesians 4:14-16
What’s more, he isn’t just watching with expectation for me to take my next steps—he’s joyfully treasuring the choices I make for myself because He HAS given me the free-will to make choices and decisions for my life–for the life he planned in advance for me to live at such a time as this. He filled me with the passions, the dreams and the desires that are IN my heart. He takes delight when I take the initiative to choose my own outfit, and come out dressed in camo pants under my princess gown, accessorized by a double-edged sword and a golden tiara.
Papa God chuckles with delight when he hears the conversations I have with my friends as we’re learning and growing- we don’t always have it all spot on, but as we grow and mature He knows we will readily absorb the depths of His truth and our faulty belief systems will get continuous updates replacing the inaccuracies with purified truths, tried and refined by fire.
Thank you, Papa, for singing over me with JOY as I grow and mature; Thank you for your purifying fire that refines my heart. Papa, let’s go for a walk together, you and I. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do!